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weekend in paradise
Feb. 22nd, 2006 | 05:43 pm
mood: 
bouncy
hmm, yes, so i had the most wonderful weekend ever. lol, its wednesday now, but im updating on my weekend. :) so thursday, after my religions class, i was talkign with rachel about how courts sister was coming up to NMU for the weekend, and i got the craziest of crzy ideas!! i was going to go up to school and surprise jeff. it was the most perfect plan ever, cuz we were fighting and i thought it was be super cute to surprise him :) so that then during my french class, i caleld jake and BEGGED him to let nme use his car for the weekend. i told him i would pay for gas and get he oil changed and give him like an extra $50 if he let me use it. so he said yes, and i was like AHHHHH IM GOING TO NORTHERN!!!! lol. it was really cool. so, the only thing that stood in my way (as far as i rememberd) was calling into work, cuz i workd both saturday and sunday. so i get home and im all really exicted and tryin to get some stuff together before i have to leave for potbelly. then, all of a sudden, i remember that im supposed to freakin BABYSIT!!! ahhh, so i called karen, and told her the situation and she said it was fine if i cancelled. that was the first time i haVe cancelldd babysitting for her in 7 years!! lol crazy shit i know. ok so anyway, i get to work, and talk to topher, and tell him that there was a death in the family and that i had to leave the next day to go to Indiana for the funeral, he was pissed, but he survived, and then to top that off, Jenm the other manager came up to me, and was like, andrew what happend? sounding all worried. and i told her my grandma died from alzheimers and that she as in the final stages and that we were just kind awating for it to happen but it was ok cuz her suffering was over. So, she starts telling me about how her parents both died in a plane crash, and how they never found the plane, so at least she knew they didnt sufer, and im thinking what the fuck!!! lol, it was nuts. so after work i talked to jake, and got him to come home that night, so i could drive him back to western friday mornign at like 6, HAHAHA OMG! josh just called me, he is totaly stuck in new york, cuz he has not enough money to go back up to NMU!! omg, that is hilarious! ok back to the story....
yes so, we were gonna leave at 6 and we did, but i missed an exit, so it took is an extra hour to get there, and then, when we do get there, jakes brakes went out on his car. so $150 and 5 hours later, i am leaving westeran around 230, instead of 830....
yea, so anyway all went fine untill grayling, it was a complete white out from there to the bridge and i have enver been so scared for my lief as i was then, honest to god, i thought i was going to die...it was really scary. so yea, i got to school about 9'ish and totally surprised jeff, and it was awesome. OMG best sex fucking EVER!!!! it was amazing. hahaha,
********************this part of the entry was deleted**************************
sooo there was something else i wanted to talk about to. OH YEA! so my dad relapsed....again, and again means after he just relapsed a week and a half ago. so i mean, i havent talked to or seen him in a year. and my life has been that much better because of that. but my mom and i agreed that we need to have an intervention and send him to rehab...for the fourth time. he was doing awesome, and was clean for i think about a year. which is like the best ever. he was like saving up for a house and all that good stuff. and then kabam, no more. lol. so yea, i will ALWAYS have bad feelings for him ,as a dad, and as a human being, but i dont like TOOOOOOOTALLY hate him, i still want him to be ok and everything , and i dont like seeing him do this to himself, especialy after he was doing so good, so with the intervention, that means im going to have to talk to him and see him. i dont know how or what im going to do, or how im going to handle it, but he needs this really bad, so i guess i have to put my feelings aside for the time being to help him :-\ i want to though, so...yea
i think thats about it. did you guys know that jeff and i are for real going to to move to Canada after we get married and stuff? so...you all have to come and visit allll the time :)
yes so, we were gonna leave at 6 and we did, but i missed an exit, so it took is an extra hour to get there, and then, when we do get there, jakes brakes went out on his car. so $150 and 5 hours later, i am leaving westeran around 230, instead of 830....
yea, so anyway all went fine untill grayling, it was a complete white out from there to the bridge and i have enver been so scared for my lief as i was then, honest to god, i thought i was going to die...it was really scary. so yea, i got to school about 9'ish and totally surprised jeff, and it was awesome. OMG best sex fucking EVER!!!! it was amazing. hahaha,
********************this part of the entry was deleted**************************
sooo there was something else i wanted to talk about to. OH YEA! so my dad relapsed....again, and again means after he just relapsed a week and a half ago. so i mean, i havent talked to or seen him in a year. and my life has been that much better because of that. but my mom and i agreed that we need to have an intervention and send him to rehab...for the fourth time. he was doing awesome, and was clean for i think about a year. which is like the best ever. he was like saving up for a house and all that good stuff. and then kabam, no more. lol. so yea, i will ALWAYS have bad feelings for him ,as a dad, and as a human being, but i dont like TOOOOOOOTALLY hate him, i still want him to be ok and everything , and i dont like seeing him do this to himself, especialy after he was doing so good, so with the intervention, that means im going to have to talk to him and see him. i dont know how or what im going to do, or how im going to handle it, but he needs this really bad, so i guess i have to put my feelings aside for the time being to help him :-\ i want to though, so...yea
i think thats about it. did you guys know that jeff and i are for real going to to move to Canada after we get married and stuff? so...you all have to come and visit allll the time :)
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(no subject)
Feb. 22nd, 2006 | 12:08 am
DONT LET THE DETROIT ZOO CLOSE :-D
SIGN THE PETITION
http://www.petitiononline.com/detzoo/pet
SIGN THE PETITION
http://www.petitiononline.com/detzoo/pet
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fuck life
Feb. 12th, 2006 | 05:38 pm
mood: 
crappy
so i workd 11-5 today, that was fun. i made a new friend. her name is sabrina, and how cute of a name is that! this girl is all sas. lol, shes only 16, but still pretty fun. we had fun all day making fun of each other and talking about all the shit custumers taht walked in! hahaha, it was a lot of fun, but time went by soooooooo slowwww. GAH and i was So freakin hungry! i had three very very tiny sausage patties at 10, and then had half a peanut jelly sandwich and a cookie at five. my stomach hurts so bad, lol. but im losing weight, so i didnt eat the whole sammy. i need to do a lot of laundry tonight, and i need to clean my room.
yesterday me mom thersa and alyssa went to great lakes crossing and had lunch at Sitr Crazy? ever heard of it? i havent. i guess my mom and dad used to eat there a ll the time, it is KIND of ersmeblent to PF Changs, but no where near as nice, and the food at changs is hella better. i had .....szeshwan chicken, and it was RREALLY yummy! even though there were like....6 tiny marble sized pieces of meat! haha, mmm, it was still really quite delic. for dessert i had this thing called chocolate monsoon. meh, it wasnt very good, choc mousse in wonton shells :-S not the best. then we went to see the pink panther, and it was acutally kind of funny, there were a few hilarious parts, but it was kinda slow. meh, good movie i guess. then we walked around the mall for a while. came home and did nothing.
i have been so depressed lately. mroe so than i ever have been before. like, all these BAD thoughts go through my head all the time. i know that i would NEVER in my life react on any of them, but they are always there. and that makes me even more depressed, bc i am not normally a sad person. a lot if not most of it has to do with jeff, cuz im not really going to get to see him untill september when school starts. he cant come visit me bc he "doesnt have the money" and thats fine. whatever, i say im broke and have no cash but go out and buy things still. its all good, live n learn i guess. but w/e. he cant come see me over spring break, bc his family will be home, i dont know why i thought they were going to be gone that week, but i did. so yea, the chance of him beign able to come see me is about as good as him ever comoing to see me....slim to none. his mom is nuts with this whole gay thing, and doesnt accept the fact that hes gay, and she thinks that jeff and i are broken up, and i dont want jeff to lie about where he is going, bc i am sick and tired of him lying about things that have to do with me, bc it is a load of MOTHER EFFING BS. but again, w/e. lol, i can so easily get over these things, its fine. and then this summer, it will be the exact same story as spring break. no friends no hes gay and his mom n sis do, but the mom ALLLWAYS has final say, so i wont be seeing him at all over the summer. so it bascialy sums up to us being a couple only seven or eight months out of the year. YAY!!!! thats so FUN!!!!!! :'( no its really not. and he like doenst even get it. he doesnt know how bad it hurts and he doesnt know how hard it is for me. and i don think he ever will. sometimse i think he can be so greedy, but i cant say anything to him, bc i would just be digging myself a hole, bigger than the one that i already am in with him and holes arent that good to be in specially when your me :(
so i really just dont know what to do. i things will be better with time, but im always starting fights with him, and i dont always need to be doing it, but its always stuff that is bugging me, and it seems like he doesnt care at all, and that makes me more mad. and.....idk. i dont want this to end, but the thought of us ending has always been in the back of my head bc he isnt out, and bc he doesnt plan on coming out to his family for a long time. and its been hard the past five months, i can only imagine how hard it will be for the next five years.
and that depresses me more so than anything, just thinking about the future, and us, and him, and him not being out, and me being hidden, and me always thinking that he doesnt do enough, or me always thinking that he doesnt feel the same way that i feel about him. thats a big one. i doubt so much that he feels the same way, he tells me all the time he does,but i have such a HARD time believing him, i dont know why. but i dont know if i canever believe him. i have such a hard tim ethiking that anyone can love me that much. :\ i dont know.
i realy just dont know. if he spends the rest of his life with me llike he says he wants to, i am going to ruin it just like i have already ruind my life, and i dont want to do that to his. i could so esaily take the easy way out, but that would be so selfish and stupid. and scary.
meh, ill survive, i dont know how and i dont know when. i just want to be happy.
but i dont think that will happen for a very long time
and that really sucks
:(
yesterday me mom thersa and alyssa went to great lakes crossing and had lunch at Sitr Crazy? ever heard of it? i havent. i guess my mom and dad used to eat there a ll the time, it is KIND of ersmeblent to PF Changs, but no where near as nice, and the food at changs is hella better. i had .....szeshwan chicken, and it was RREALLY yummy! even though there were like....6 tiny marble sized pieces of meat! haha, mmm, it was still really quite delic. for dessert i had this thing called chocolate monsoon. meh, it wasnt very good, choc mousse in wonton shells :-S not the best. then we went to see the pink panther, and it was acutally kind of funny, there were a few hilarious parts, but it was kinda slow. meh, good movie i guess. then we walked around the mall for a while. came home and did nothing.
i have been so depressed lately. mroe so than i ever have been before. like, all these BAD thoughts go through my head all the time. i know that i would NEVER in my life react on any of them, but they are always there. and that makes me even more depressed, bc i am not normally a sad person. a lot if not most of it has to do with jeff, cuz im not really going to get to see him untill september when school starts. he cant come visit me bc he "doesnt have the money" and thats fine. whatever, i say im broke and have no cash but go out and buy things still. its all good, live n learn i guess. but w/e. he cant come see me over spring break, bc his family will be home, i dont know why i thought they were going to be gone that week, but i did. so yea, the chance of him beign able to come see me is about as good as him ever comoing to see me....slim to none. his mom is nuts with this whole gay thing, and doesnt accept the fact that hes gay, and she thinks that jeff and i are broken up, and i dont want jeff to lie about where he is going, bc i am sick and tired of him lying about things that have to do with me, bc it is a load of MOTHER EFFING BS. but again, w/e. lol, i can so easily get over these things, its fine. and then this summer, it will be the exact same story as spring break. no friends no hes gay and his mom n sis do, but the mom ALLLWAYS has final say, so i wont be seeing him at all over the summer. so it bascialy sums up to us being a couple only seven or eight months out of the year. YAY!!!! thats so FUN!!!!!! :'( no its really not. and he like doenst even get it. he doesnt know how bad it hurts and he doesnt know how hard it is for me. and i don think he ever will. sometimse i think he can be so greedy, but i cant say anything to him, bc i would just be digging myself a hole, bigger than the one that i already am in with him and holes arent that good to be in specially when your me :(
so i really just dont know what to do. i things will be better with time, but im always starting fights with him, and i dont always need to be doing it, but its always stuff that is bugging me, and it seems like he doesnt care at all, and that makes me more mad. and.....idk. i dont want this to end, but the thought of us ending has always been in the back of my head bc he isnt out, and bc he doesnt plan on coming out to his family for a long time. and its been hard the past five months, i can only imagine how hard it will be for the next five years.
and that depresses me more so than anything, just thinking about the future, and us, and him, and him not being out, and me being hidden, and me always thinking that he doesnt do enough, or me always thinking that he doesnt feel the same way that i feel about him. thats a big one. i doubt so much that he feels the same way, he tells me all the time he does,but i have such a HARD time believing him, i dont know why. but i dont know if i canever believe him. i have such a hard tim ethiking that anyone can love me that much. :\ i dont know.
i realy just dont know. if he spends the rest of his life with me llike he says he wants to, i am going to ruin it just like i have already ruind my life, and i dont want to do that to his. i could so esaily take the easy way out, but that would be so selfish and stupid. and scary.
meh, ill survive, i dont know how and i dont know when. i just want to be happy.
but i dont think that will happen for a very long time
and that really sucks
:(
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Heavenly Father
Feb. 6th, 2006 | 09:24 pm
mood: 
calm
Color. Life. Happy. Love. Eternal. These things you bring to me. My thoughts are filled with you. Your love is burned into my memory. The clouds that float around my head are hazy, with the utopian mist that caresses my skin when I’m with you. When our eyes lock Jeffrey, the future turns the brightest shade of gold. My heart races as my mind takes off in wonders of what lie ahead. Heaven and earth combine into one when we hold hands. The seasons mesh into one beautiful song that takes my love for you, to the next level. I yearn to be able to feel you... to be able to feel your breath on my cheek, to be able to embrace you in my arms.
But the seas grow cold and fierce.... as the night grows dark and weary. The fire that burns within turns into the devil himself, and my words turn to embers of pain and agony. The powers that have overtaken my body are too much for my earthly presence to handle and they control my thoughts and my actions without my even knowing. I cry out, but my voice is drown by the flames that soar into the void we call night.
Gently the rain falls down.... streaming from the door to my soul...onto the barren land. I have yet to realize what I am supposed to do... despair ceases to leave me...and the death that resides deep within me arises to the top, threatening to take my very life away. I feel so small. So miniscule in the world compared to you. I have ashamed myself, and hurt the one being that holds me together...that feeds my soul with the love that we share. I’m lost. I'm lost in the world that I am now in, transformed by the hate within myself for the person I am, consumed by the time I have lost with you.
But you still love me. Despite the things I say. Disregarding the pain I have brought upon you. Pain that would kill my body, soul, and spirit. Pain that I so carelessly inflicted on my love. On my own true love. Why? I ask myself why do you feel this way? And you say because you love me.
Time is of the essence. So many things we hold dear to our hearts. Time can slip away from us with the blink of an eye. Things we say and do will pass. Time goes on. People grow older, and love grows stronger. I can never take back the things that I do, or the things that I say. But I can make the future a better place by taking away the evil that resides within me. The evil that separates you and I.
The distance between us may seem like an eternity to the naked eye. But within each of us we know that we are as close as we ever have been. As if we were one, holding each other up, making each other stronger…. the way it was meant to be.
When I look at you, I see myself, my other half, my true fate. I see the colors of love, inspiration, and happiness when I look into your eyes. When I speak your name, I speak of the love that I share with you. You have completed me Jeffrey. You have completed me in a way that I never thought possible.
I know that I will love you for the rest of time. It is a love without end, a love without limit…a love I wouldn’t have without you.
But the seas grow cold and fierce.... as the night grows dark and weary. The fire that burns within turns into the devil himself, and my words turn to embers of pain and agony. The powers that have overtaken my body are too much for my earthly presence to handle and they control my thoughts and my actions without my even knowing. I cry out, but my voice is drown by the flames that soar into the void we call night.
Gently the rain falls down.... streaming from the door to my soul...onto the barren land. I have yet to realize what I am supposed to do... despair ceases to leave me...and the death that resides deep within me arises to the top, threatening to take my very life away. I feel so small. So miniscule in the world compared to you. I have ashamed myself, and hurt the one being that holds me together...that feeds my soul with the love that we share. I’m lost. I'm lost in the world that I am now in, transformed by the hate within myself for the person I am, consumed by the time I have lost with you.
But you still love me. Despite the things I say. Disregarding the pain I have brought upon you. Pain that would kill my body, soul, and spirit. Pain that I so carelessly inflicted on my love. On my own true love. Why? I ask myself why do you feel this way? And you say because you love me.
Time is of the essence. So many things we hold dear to our hearts. Time can slip away from us with the blink of an eye. Things we say and do will pass. Time goes on. People grow older, and love grows stronger. I can never take back the things that I do, or the things that I say. But I can make the future a better place by taking away the evil that resides within me. The evil that separates you and I.
The distance between us may seem like an eternity to the naked eye. But within each of us we know that we are as close as we ever have been. As if we were one, holding each other up, making each other stronger…. the way it was meant to be.
When I look at you, I see myself, my other half, my true fate. I see the colors of love, inspiration, and happiness when I look into your eyes. When I speak your name, I speak of the love that I share with you. You have completed me Jeffrey. You have completed me in a way that I never thought possible.
I know that I will love you for the rest of time. It is a love without end, a love without limit…a love I wouldn’t have without you.
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(no subject)
Feb. 6th, 2006 | 08:11 pm
mood: bouncy
hehe, ok , so life is grand now. jeff and i are good, and im happy, and life is good :):):P)
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(no subject)
Feb. 6th, 2006 | 01:53 am
mood: N/A
WHY. I WANT TO KNOW WHY GOD FUCKING GAVE ME THE LIFE THAT I HAVE.
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(no subject)
Feb. 5th, 2006 | 12:10 pm
mood: crushed
yea, so last night after holly left, i talked to jeff, and that like ruind my night. but oh well. shit happens, as usual. uummmm, suposed to be chillin with holly again todya, and finishing our movie marathon. that should be sweet. i have to shovel today, but its cool. it will be an adventure, im sure. im tired of beign depressed, but like everytime that i talk to jeff, i get horribly depressed, but if i dont talk to him, its even worse. great dilema i am in, i know.
i know all of this is just a phase cuz we havent seen each other in forever, and its going to be even longer until we can see each other, bc i have to wait another two months untill school is over with, and then, you would think things would be better. WRONG. like no one in pinconning knows hes gay, so i will not get to see him over the summer. i know i will. but like, you know, maybe once a month really just doesnt seem like it would be enough. cuz it prolly wont even be that. fuckin people. as the saying of my life goes....
if its not one thing its another.. :(
i know all of this is just a phase cuz we havent seen each other in forever, and its going to be even longer until we can see each other, bc i have to wait another two months untill school is over with, and then, you would think things would be better. WRONG. like no one in pinconning knows hes gay, so i will not get to see him over the summer. i know i will. but like, you know, maybe once a month really just doesnt seem like it would be enough. cuz it prolly wont even be that. fuckin people. as the saying of my life goes....
if its not one thing its another.. :(
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(no subject)
Feb. 5th, 2006 | 03:19 am
mood: melancholy
what the fuck.
im sick of feeling like this. i give up. i seriously have to stop caring, bc the more that i care the more it hurts, and i hate feeling like this, so.....i dont know what to do
so i just give up.
im sick of feeling like this. i give up. i seriously have to stop caring, bc the more that i care the more it hurts, and i hate feeling like this, so.....i dont know what to do
so i just give up.
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scarlet sunrise
Feb. 1st, 2006 | 04:25 pm
mood: pleased
Love…
Passion...
Fear…
Over the horizon of the jagged treetop, your color spills forth the coming of a
new day.... a new life.
Through the splintered fragments of the window I look out, I see a color for
every moment the clock spares.
The fire you have brought with you is taking over my body as it envelops my thoughts and my soul.
I want to scream out, but I stand there in silence, in awe of your empowering
beauty.
Reflections from every splinter of time fade away with your being.
If I look away, will you be
gone? If I stray from this path, will you still be there for me to follow?
I blink, and this feeling is gone. It has ceased to be for yet another morn....
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life is a shit hole
Jan. 20th, 2006 | 05:34 pm
mood: 
stressed
so i found out today that the loan i applied for is only going to be 2k. i had applied for extra so that i could pay off my credit cards, have rent money, and get a computer. now none of that is going to happen. i have less than 1000 to buy a car and get my life on track. fuck you god. fuck you up the ass for fucking doing this, even though it was i that did this to myself. :(
my life is going to suck from now on, even more than it already did. :(
i cant do anything, and i cant go anywhere, cuz i need every fucking PENNY i earn so that i can have money for my cell, car, rent, and credit payemnts every month. so for all of my friends up at northern, i will see you in september, bc icant come up at all now. i cant do anything. my social life (for however much of it i have left) offically just went down the shitter!
fuck
my life is going to suck from now on, even more than it already did. :(
i cant do anything, and i cant go anywhere, cuz i need every fucking PENNY i earn so that i can have money for my cell, car, rent, and credit payemnts every month. so for all of my friends up at northern, i will see you in september, bc icant come up at all now. i cant do anything. my social life (for however much of it i have left) offically just went down the shitter!
fuck
